What goes up…

Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the…….let’s not finish that, neither is true and it’s just me that calls me the space cowboy.

I would love to say that I am rising, phoenix like, from the ashes of a dark couple of days but the truth is that it is just something that I would like to say. There is no rejuvenation to enjoy, just a slow rising again to the surface of semi normality and a hope that I will soon be able to rise up off of the surface of the water, just to continue the analogy.

I think that people who suffer with invisible maladies all face a similar degree of scepticism. How do you quantify a pain level or a fatigue level to someone not inside with you experiencing it? How do you explain waking up on a lovely spring morning after a good sleep and no alcohol with a rage that the hulk himself could channel in to greenery?

If I was more knowledgeable I could elucidate for you the precise chemical additions and/or displacements that cause such events, but the information will not stay in my head no matter how often I read it. The anger was 87% operational and it took nothing more than a simple question to peel back the thin veneer of seeming calm that was present.

After three eruptions in quick succession, boom, boom, boom, the seething Vesuvius needed a medivac, our families are the the unfortunate and undeserving victims of such events so the decision was made to extricate myself from the situation for their good.

I feel the need to point out that I no longer view these times as a failure, yes I feel rotten about them and yes I aim to control and handle them better, but it is not a failure. Those who have lifelong illnesses suffer flair ups periodically and although it becomes exceedingly wearisome, they are not considered a failure when they are required to take some time to recover.

After a morning in the park with a book and an short sleep the day was able to continue, not a happy family fun day out but a reduced capacity accomplishing day where there was no more anger.

Yesterday I awoke with the assumption that all had returned to normal (not maybe your normal, but mine). That appeared to be the case until 30 minutes into work, then with a little flutter my inward generator went into overdrive. There is a lever which pulls it back to acceptable functioning speeds but I couldn’t quite reach it. As a regular coffee enthusiast I no longer get that buzz from caffeine and don’t seek it, I drink it for the love of it, but think of ten double shot espresso in one cup and how you may respond to that. That was yesterday morning!

The bizarre part was that it was my brain doing it all by itself, no coffee had been consumed at this stage. The result was hands that were going like Keanu in the Matrix, a days work completed in 90 minutes. That is good news for employers but unsustainable, claustrophobia then put in an appearance and pretty soon this large building became too small to be in.

Most days mindfulness will pull that lever all the way back to a sensible pace but on other days it just doesn’t. My boss is very understanding and knows that on these days it’s best to just pack me off to cool and calm down, I looked a bit sweaty and wild eyed when he gave me the ok to leave.

45 minutes at the gym and an hour of frenetic work at home with Louis Armstrong began to slow things down before the precipice loomed and it was a plummet into deep sleep. The rest of the day was very calm, I slept off and on until bedtime and although still a bit spacey today all is much calmer.

It is exhausting living this and equally exhaustive living with it, my wife is incredibly patient and does her best to make it easier, she is a true saint, without the sappy gazing into the middle distance thing.

Jumbo jets are huge, getting them off the ground is no mean feat. My final analogy for today is that overcoming the parts of this that can be conquered is like trying to get a jumbo to take off from water. I know that is virtually impossible, but this isn’t, it is just going to take an awful lot of forward propulsion.