Get a grip!!

'Get a grip.'

 

Am I simply depressed, or do I have depression?

This is is a thought that has been bouncing around for a couple of weeks in my head.

The answer is yes and yes. Only, some days it is no and yes. What do I mean by that? Well to put it very simply, I have depression as an ongoing illness and some days it manifests itself visibly and bites like a ravaging wolf.

Take last weekend for example, after an exhausting week Sunday was a terrible day, I have already written about the extent to which I sunk over the course of a few minutes and the long haul back up which took three days. It would be a fair assessment that the chemicals in my brain took a while to reconfigure themselves into anything resembling normality.

The aftermath for me is like recovering from the effects of a hurricane, there is debris all over the place. Boats in trees and bits of roof embedded in a car two streets away, the cleanup is not fast but is becoming smoother. Calmness is the key in my case, I know that it is becoming simpler because I am able to listen to music as a means of soothing. At my worst times music was a complete no-no.

Last weekend I bumped into an acquaintance from church who thought that he could fix me. I was to be grateful for the fact that there were people a lot worse off than me. Under very few circumstances will this ever be a help to anyone, I remember as a child offering to send my distasteful dinner to the starving kids in Africa who would be glad of it. This was as well received as my retort to the gentlemen last Sunday, expecting someone to get a grip is as likely as grabbing a handful of pixie dust in these moments, and just as helpful

Apart from the immediate carnage that these episodes bring I am very slowly discovering that there are huge holes in my personality that I don’t even realise are there. The drift into this illness was slow to begin with before the eventual plummet, but the ascent back up to this point has been over 18 months so far.

I was able to sit in church today without a million criticisms racing through my mind, the person that I used to be stood up there with supreme confidence and assurance. That is not longer me.

On Friday I began a minor tailspin based on misinformation, the final stage of our home renovation is nearing completion and I had a huge mountain of work to achieve before the carpet fitter arrives on Tuesday. I was panicked in the extreme and couldn’t see how this was even possible, one cooked breakfast and a phone call confirmed a carpet fitter and four hours with a sander had the room ready for paint.

It has been extremely busy this weekend but the possession of the facts and the help of family has made it possible for me to be sitting at peace tonight in the knowledge that everything is ready.

Searching for the missing pieces may take a while, it’s hard when you are not quite sure what you are looking for and compounded by the realisation that some of them are not required anymore. But for now we keep pushing and pressing on, there is always something to do and tonight it has been accomplished.

Today I have depression but am not depressed.

Today is a good day.

 

 

 

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23 thoughts on “Get a grip!!

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